Now there's a spoiler for you
by calgarry
Summary: Another take on River's line "I'm quite the screamer," from The Impossible Astronaut, involving a fez, a bug, and one huge misunderstanding...
1. What they thought

**_Amy and Rory_**

Amy and Rory were standing in the control room, watching galaxies go by on the screen. The TARDIS was drifting through space without a care in the world, their daughter was somewhere on board with them, and everyone was happy. Suddenly, Rory turned to Amy with a grin on his face.

"Remember that game we used to play when we were little? Not the one where I was the doctor, the other one."

"Tag?"

"Yeah. We used to run all around the town playing that, do you remember?"

"Yeah. What made you mention it now?"

"Well, I was thinking, the TARDIS has lots of corridors that would be perfect for running around…" No sooner had he said that than his wife had yelled "Tag!" touched him, and run away down one of the many corridors. "I will catch you!" he yelled and went charging after her.

For about half an hour, the pair of them ran around the TARDIS, hot on each other's heels. After they had passed the swimming pool for about the fifth time, they heard a faint scream coming from behind them. Rory, who had been being pursued by Amy, turned around and she ran into him. They looked in the direction the sound had come from, looked at each other, said "River!" together, and turned and ran in the direction from whence they had come. There was some more screaming, and some yelling, before they managed to find the right corridor.

They turned into the corridor and slowed down. It was silent. A door about halfway down was ajar, and as they moved cautiously towards the room they could hear heavy breathing coming from within. As they neared the room, they saw there was a red bow-tie hanging on the door, and a fez stopped the door from closing completely. They peered at the sliver of the room they could see. The bed was obscured from view by the door, but they could see a tweed jacket and a pair of female boots lying on the floor and cabinet, as if flung there from across the room. There were two sets of irregular, heavy breathing emanating from within.

The Ponds looked at each other awkwardly, not sure what to do. Amy whispered, "Maybe…we should leave them…alone…" Rory nodded and whispered "Yeeah," in reply, and together they tiptoed away as quietly as possible. When they got to the end of the corridor, Rory said, "You're still in!" and ran off down a perpendicular corridor. Amy ran after him.

When they next saw River and the Doctor, they were all in the control room again, standing around awkwardly. River and the Doctor refused to make eye contact, and the ponds wouldn't look at anybody. They stood there until the Doctor cleared his throat and said, "We could go to the land of coffee shops now, if you like." There was a mutual agreement, and so off to the land of coffee shops they went, spiralling through space and time once more. No one ever mentioned that day again.


	2. What actually happened

**_River_**

She had enjoyed a relaxing trip to Appalappachia (no plague this time – they'd made the Doctor look at a history book) with her husband and her parents. They had been chatting in the control room as a family when the Doctor had dragged her off to look at the conservatory, or something along those lines. He had gotten lost on the way, however, and she had had to guide him there – being a Child of the TARDIS had its perks. They had looked at the many exotic plants, and the bugs living inside them, when River decided they should really get back to the Ponds.

They got back to the control room, but her parents were gone; presumably they had wandered off somewhere. The pair of them started wandering, hand in hand. It was nice to get some time with the Doctor like this, jut wandering and talking. They had gone about 100m past the pool when there was a buzzing close to her ear. She tried to ignore it, but it became louder and more persistent. She shook her head slightly, but the sound didn't go away.

The Doctor stopped, and looked at her strangely. "Is there any particular reason your hair is moving?"

"What?" she exclaimed and clapped a hand to her head. Sure enough, there was something trapped in her hair, a bug judging by the buzzing sounds.

The Doctor took a closer look and sucked in a breath, a worried look on his face. "It looks like one of the bugs from the conservatory – a tummatrix from-"

"I don't care where it's from, how do we get rid of it?" she shrieked, panicking now. "What don't they like? There must be something…"

"Interesting. The brave River Song is afraid of bugs." She slapped him, and he grew serious. "Okay then. The tummatrix won't attack unless it is immediately threatened, but-" Another slap took him straight to the point. "Okay. They don't like silk much; we might be able to get it out of your hair using silk, but we don't have any…" In response she started taking off his tie. "Oh, of course! A silk tie! That could work!"

He carefully threaded the tie through her hair, moving the bug away from her scalp and into the edge of her hair. The little tummatrix clung to the ends of her mass of hair, swaying around as she shook her head again. The Doctor took the tie, ad hung it on the first available thing he saw – a door handle. He opened the door, thinking they could trap the bug inside; but River stumbled through the door, and he followed her, his fez falling to the floor in the process.

The bug flew off River's hair and hovered around her head, and she screamed. The Doctor tried to quiet her, but she kept screaming, flinging her head this way and that and banging into walls in the small bedroom they found themselves in. He grabbed at the bug, but it kept flying out of his reach; she kept avoiding the bug, but it kept charging at her.

After a minute or so, the Doctor eventually managed to corner the bug by the dresser. She threw her boots at the bug, and stunned it; and he threw his jacket over the tummatrix, keeping it safe on the floor. They leaned against the wall, thoroughly out of breath by this time, panting and gasping while grinning at each other. They heard footsteps outside, and then Amy and Rory started whispering to each other.

"Maybe…we should leave them…alone…"

"Yeeah."

Quiet footsteps outside got fainter, and the Doctor and River looked at each other confused. When they got their breath back, they retrieved their belongings from around the room, the Doctor placing the little tummatrix safely in his pocket. As he put his bowtie back on, he caught River's eye and they both started laughing as they realised how this scene could have looked to her parents.

"We never mention this again," she said threateningly, stepping closer to him.

"Mention what?" he asked innocently, a twinkle in his eye.

"Exactly," she said, satisfied at having trained him well.

As they set off down the corridor back to the control room, they got lost and kept going in circles "What's the matter? Your inbuilt GPS not working or something?" he teased her, earning a gentle shove. "Doesn't it really _bug_ you when that happens?" he continued, then darted ahead to avoid her hand. She pulled out her gun, and he dodged around a corner to escape. She chased him until they found the control room, where the Ponds were standing. The atmosphere became awkward at once, and they all stood stiffly around, not knowing what to say and avoiding eye contact.

Eventually the Doctor cleared his throat and said, "We could go to the land of coffee shops now, if you like." There was a mutual agreement, and so off to the land of coffee shops they went, spiralling through space and time once more. No one ever mentioned that day again, but the Doctor never let River forget about her fear of bugs.

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**Reviews are greatly appreciated!**


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